BIG FEELINGS

Are like ghosts wearing sheets

Sitting in back car seats

They’re like walking frankensteins

Like silly putty

Comical looking poodles

They're big clunky, funny  & 

certainly visible    shoes

Like colorful beaded bracelets on preteens and children’s

arms

Dangling

Big ole’ feelings dancing around the streets like teddybears

Huggable

Lovable as children

As monsters

Being chased around with nets

and these big feelings

They don’t care

They don’t

Mind

They 

Smile

They are big fuzzy wuzzy funny 

Creatures

When you treat them as such

When you breathe and observe

And

Let them be what they already are

Little loving hairy beary friends of the universe.

*

DOUBT IS JUST A THOUGHT DISTRACTING YOU FROM WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE

I wish everyday could be my funeral

So that all the people I love can wake up,

Put on their best shoes and walk over from far places to come see me.

All at the same time,

Many many people 

Congregating from all different corners of the world

Would enter my world, to show me their love

Regardless of where we are in life or if anything has distanced us

We unite together again at this great big party,

Gathering like water from all different taps and streams 

Into this lake of love

Here they arrive, their eyes sobered from any lingering anger directed at me

Their eyes Glinting with happiness and love and softly smiling with their everlasting love for me, which is there, which is there

We congregate here under the maple trees in the open fields, hugged by the same green clovers and soft ground, we are at peace with each other, we live in peace.

We are like dogs in a dog park, smelling each othe,r breathing together

Side by side

friends who dance a coordinated dance of touching and moving and 

Coming together and distancing.

I wish every day could be my funeral

So i could rip off all the protective layers from others and see their soft bunny spirit dancing inside,

Their raw beating hearts

To be reminded of the love they carry,

The pain they carry

It colors us and if only i could only see where they stand at all times, 

I could be reminded:

We are all friends, 

We are all friends, we are all friends

I wish i could have an inner feeling of walking into a party and knowing that it’s my funeral, and everyone is happy to see me, i am met with smiling faces,

HOORAY they would all say, YOU ARE HERE! 

A space where I am always welcome , as i am

Come in! They say and smile as i enter the spaceship

There are stars on the ceiling and the walls are pulsating emphatically

Mesmorising, warm, enveloping

Wou can come as you are

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are enough 

You are perfect as you are right now You are perfect as you are right now You are perfect as you are right now You are perfect as you are right now You are perfect as you are right now You are perfect as you are right now 

I wish i could See the whole world as a river of smiling friends

Feel the pulse of the stream as the pulse of the streets as the pulse of all beating hearts of all humanbeing

If only i could sit back and lean on this love at all times and call to me all other birds of feather, all aliens would magnetize

Stick together

And we really are already stuck together: 

With our two feet decorating the ground with colored gemstones , each of ourbodies large and sparkling and adding art and love to this magical world

Feet on the ground,

Adorned by clovers

And anklets and colors

I wish we could all stop doubting and just be 

Just stop triple checking

And double guessing

And trust 

In my body

In now

In my beating heart and respectively in others’ beating hearts 

I wish i can can step into,

Dive into the deep waters of 

What i already am

A beautiful creature

I wish we could all just stop 

I want all the people i know to take a break from the eternal break they are always taking

And exit the small crowded streets, their small crowded apartments and ascend the staircase onto the roof tops anf spread out their arms, smiling and waving

So that i can know for sure that we are all friends. 

Dear body

You are a magnificent , electric, glowing creature. Thank you dor your love and precision. You glow in a million colored lights and are as large as the alps. You are positive space, you move, you are, you be. You create- you are a thunderstorm. I celebrate you, my electric body, for your sensitivity as to what is right for me at every moment. I am a happy baby playing, living inside you, trusting in your feelings, I fill you up with love. I follow you, my amazing body: you always know what you need.

A few days ago my body took me out for a walk. It was quite something. I didn’t even think “i want to go for a walk now”, my body just opened the front door and started walking to the park. Like a dog walking itself, it knows what it wants. 

Here on the farm I see that work is play. We are big kids making mudcakes and the seeds of our labor grow. Work is play when it’s a process, when it’s a lifestyle. 

Here you are, body, lying on this couch pulsating in pink and blue and purple

and I’m inside looking around you and it’s the best exhibition I’ve ever been to,

It’s electric, electrifying~

I follow you, my body electric, you know at every moment what you want and need and I listen, I open my ears, I open my heart and sit in your glow so you can take me to the horizon, to where I want to be.

Generosity is knowing an apple for an apple

And an orange for an orange:

And Respecting them each for that.

Generosity is throwing in the towel when youre tired,

And opening your ears when you can.

It is being a mirror.

It is hurling a smile-shaped boomerang into the sky and then just riding on faith,

As the smile gets smaller and smaller, disappearing into the night sky:

Believing that it will stick up there between the stars like a painting on a wall and will protect you,

It’s knowing that loving eyes are in the sky always smiling down at you, even if you cant see them:

Like shooting a laser beam into a misty room, knowing tha t it does something, and even though you cant see it yet,

Having faith that at one moment one person will look around and say YES, THIS IS IT.

Generosity is trusting the  process.

It is love with feet.

it is the ability to stick colored stickers all over my body and say

Here’s my bag of marbles,

Then shake them around: 

And let the marbles spread beyond my body.

It’s this ingrained faith that when i fall there will be a net there,

That when i need to leave i will be able to,

That when i want to come there will be an open door to take me

It’s riding into trusting my feelings and following them religiously

This yes, that no, that no, that yes, 

For now, for now, for now, for now,

Always for now,

Not keeping things on the backburner

Labelling ideas and throwing them back into the sky until I, or someone else will grab them down: great big idea balloons floating in the abundant idea sky 

A bag of marbles that up for the taking (everyone’s for the taking: )

Like colored snake skins in the sky,

With an ability to always crawl into and out of these red, pink, orange, green purple blue tunnels 

Like riding on waves and sliding back down onto earth, to take a nap.

It’s like spinning until i run out of breath

Then lying down, then getting up, then rolling around, then holding hands, then riding a plane, then high-fiving someone, then painting, then dancing, then sleeping, then eating

Refilling myself with juic,

Literally: 

I just ate a tangerine

It’s the opposite of looking at my watch and saying “but maybe later i’ll want something else”

It’s the ability to throw my watch out the window and say

I fully trust now, because i am fully doing exactly what it is i want to do right now,

I said YES and here i am, fully.

Its the erasure of your better future self

All the lists of maybes are released with trust that one day they will become available again when you are ready.

Yesterday i made a wish to the ocean, 

I said 

I WISH I WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE EACH PERSON AS AN APPLE OR AN ORANGE,

Appreciate them for what they are and stop comparing humans ,or comparing humans to internal lists of what these humans should be like

And when i went home i went on tinder, 

And 

Suddenly everyone was smiling.

And i felt my mouth fill with basil ice cream, something equally fresh and unusual.

As I fill myself with juice, and waves and fun my cup grows larger and I can contain more,

I can listen more, I can take more, I can see more. 

I trust in my decisions, fully, i trust my anger,

My sadness, my loneliness, my happiness,

What if that’s true? 

I ask my self, i ask my emotions,

And i let them roll around inside me like marbles

Until they naturally subside.

I will meet what i need to meet,

Like the sun, shooting its rays into the earth and beaming back out to the sun, in and out, in and out, 

I shift from myself to others, myself to others, myself to others, in no particular order, I can give and receive kindness, i can ask and offer like colorful sea shells going in and out of the ocean

And i am sharp like a pencil,

I am myself and I  say what i feel right now

That is always generosity, it is the opposite of sacrifice,

It is a crystal that shines, a crystla that knows, that feels, that is connected to the moment and just does, without second guessing herself, myself

A baby that does and smiles

She knows what she wants

And the world smiles back

A mirror of the love i radiate.

May i dedicate myself to myself and others simultaneously like intercourse, intercourse of giving and receiving

Of exchanging gifts

And love

Like an endless ring

A snake biting its own tail 

May i recognize my needs and loneliness and love and abilities and lather my body up in creams and lotions and glitter and  hope and colored flowers

And

Enter the sea, 

Floating away on my back

Riding on faith. 

May my crystal clearness bring to me others who are also crystal clear.

I close a line of doors.

Finalyl clothes stop flying about from open drawers in a windy tornado room of flying clothes.

Have you ever watched Mary Poppins? Did you find spoonful of sugar song as inspiring and satisfying as i did?

A click of the fingers and the mountains of clothes fold themselves and shirt sleeves hanging out of half-opened drawers fold themselves neatly back in. So neatly.

I am closing the half opened drawers of my life.

I paid my electric bill fines 

And more than that

I am leaving no more loose ends.I am tying the loose ends together. 

I can feel the bandanas of my life being folded an ironed and the drwers no longer overflowing.

I have had enough of 

“Maybe one dya i will need that”

No! No longer.

Let me keep what i need and say bye-bye to the rest of the loose ends.

Loose ends are like eyes waiting for an answer.

Just standing therelooking like a human question mark, saying

“Well?”

And I walk away, but not saying NO is not the same as saying an inner NO

And sometimes a maybe is as draining as loose hanging shirt sleeves

.

I want a yes to be a yes and a no to be a no

For now

Just for today

And later when im ready to be a yes

I want to Trust that someone else will also be a yes

But now im a no

And i dont need books and materials and people to wait for me until i am yes.

Hanging in the heavy air- gravitating and taking up heavy, heavy physical space-

I wa nt to free them back up into the world so i can free my self back up into my NO so i can be in the kNOw and trust my NO 

I am hoovering a hotel corridor and closing allll the room doors and aaying 

Bye-bye.

I trust that when i need a room there will be an open door.

Bye

Bye

If i dont want to go into that hotel room now, I won’t later. That’s ok. There will be new hotels

With shiny new rooms

Encased by shiny new doors

And my door will be there, i will ahve my key, and i will open it.

Bye

Bye

Bye.

Bye bye love

Bye bye baby good bye. 

Spinning and swimming in endless waters: will you take me further than the horizon?
I dance on a big open stage lit by the stars and the universe applauds, the people applaud and they surround me. A spinning endless smile stretches around me from end to end, an endless ring,
from inside me to outside, surrounding me like
circling A or B or C on a multiple choice test,
and I am that A or B or C: the right answer. I am a dancing pink letter, right smack in the middle of the ocean, I am the bullseye and the nodding heads say it themselves: you are fine. You are well. I believe them and arrows of different colors extend outward toward the ring encircling me: pink, purple, blue green, green green green green
Until it fills like a bubble,
a big soapy glittery bubble outlined by an HB pencil.
and I dance and I say
Thank you for letting me breathe through my feelings until I am crystal clear.

Why doth the spinning wheel spin

I kick a wheel off the table and it rolls across the floor, leaving      a black mark

rolling

rolling rolling

i open the door and it rolls out onto blanket grasses like quilts

cha-chum 

cha-chum

cha chum

i blink by the door watching the wheel leaving

blinking

there are two options here because, well, i cant go outside

one is to blink and stare blankly into space (I know that option well)

the second is to do what I did the other day:

I was in virtual gaga class

Many dancers united alone in their living rooms

I zoomed in on this girl dancing in her hallway, on the second floor of a large house/mansion

I could really feel the interior and my spirit pouring into her living room in New York, this stranger who’s just dancing, and without knowing it suddenly im there with her, a dancing ghost relieving myself in the vast spaciousness of her home.

Thanks girl.

*

Sewing time with a needle

A golden thread piercing through white linen

Piercing silently like a slow breath

Inhale (pierce)

Exhale (pulling through)

An endless movement

Underneath everything there is movement

Movement is life, 

Like one big dance.

We all go inside and put on our best summer clothing

To emerge as dancers on the other side,

Entering the ballroom- 

Soapy clean,

A night time opera in the dark

Colors floating in blackness

In skies.

Blue orb

Purple orb

Green.

Grasses and blades

Red converses in grass

Walking home form the park

Walking home from the park

She takes off a heel

Slipping her foot in and out

Softly onto the grass

Foot on the earth

Thanks

A snake slithers past

There is the energy of snails

Crwaling underneath from the earth

Let the ground open up for me

Let us dig up the remains of treasures within

I found something great

He reveals a small pile of colored diamonds

Pink

Red purple 

Green 

Blue

A huge blue moon from above lights the scene

They gather

Listening to the slience

Anger climbs up the chimeny, red

Through the top of the opening

To the sky

Big red orb in the sky

Good bye

The roof top is silent again

More orbs leavefrom the small of the back.

Take it or leave it,

A big envelope opens with many small numbers

This is the difficulty of living with others

Neighbours, as opposed to communities dont awlays want in

She sat there

Above the anger

Inside her own

There were many options glittering up ahead

Take it or leave it.

All the future loves inside a suitcase unfolded like clothes

All with deep eyes looking straight at her , applauding.

You are a genius they say

Thanks. 

*

Here I am gain sitting here

Purple dots from corners of my body vibrating, rather still

A hopeful Yellow ball nodding at me fromt he wall, bigger,

Wanting a pink ball with it

Today there’s a lake near my back,

And flies circling overhead in my room

GO, i told them: i don;t know why they’ve come

GO, PLEaSE!

The lake in my backside is up and down in movement, again and again, and I

A little flower

sItting here waiting for myself to unfold and open up, again,

To feel again and sparkle again.

Why do washing machines agitate? Move back and forth in their place?

Why do I agitate, too?

She wanted to be a writer

And she was sitting on her swing and as she swung a rainbow emerged from within her, encircling her

She prayed and called out

And as she did so, she shot rays of colors and dots all around her

IM SENDING LOVE@ she said

You are almighty, all powerful

She drank blue and consumed pink 

You re psychedelic

She sat there in awe of the huge ocmpliment and cried

I want the weight to be left behind

I want to be lightness

You’re on your way said the train driver,

Hop in.

She jumped into the green cake train, which left s trail of froot loop smoke

Thanks my colored friends

They all appeared,

All powerangers. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They smiled and she wrote them home, each one of them. 

*

All the peopel youve ever loved are in the room with you

Little circuits of heart beats and energy

Thye encircle you with a layer of protection

They walk with you on the sidewalk

And army of lovers

All your exes, and friends, and past friends and died friends

All the people whove shown you kindness join your team

All the people whose eyes youve looked into and saw truth

Theyre all here with you now

Weaving together this invisible net around you, of love and compassion

And whenever you breathe in you breathe this energy

And when you breathe out you become a little softer, more loving

All the people who you’ve ever loved are ghosts sitting in the room with you today

And as you cry

One rubs your back

One strokes your hair,

Another says “it’s ok girl” 

And when you sleep they all curl up next to you

Even the ones youve loved you havent met are here, bob dylan, sylvia plath, georgia okeefe and on and on

And those you havent met yet

Theyre always aroudn you, friendly ghosts holding you up against gravity, 

Filling you with life.

there's a small sleeping rabbit between your eyes that just wants to be soothed, disguising itself as head-loops. Breathe to this rabbit, feel how your breath is soft, warm breeze on this small rabbit's fur, how it calms him, like the breath of someone you love sleeping next to you.

*

*

The purple calls me from the depths of the ocean. We’re ready for you,

He says

Please descend

The blue’s there too, grounded to the earth

I dive down

Melancholic

An orange in one hand

An apple in the other.

The purple is rough

It rattles at the touch

Like a vibrator

Yellow you’re a bit of a fucker

You left me long ago

I wanted you i needed you

Ive worn you as a charm around my neck

I brushed my teeth with pale gray for so long but i needed YELLOW

Others had glowing mouths mine was numb

Green i fall into you like a hole

feels good to feel you

I want to eat you

Pink fizzes on my tongue

It tastes like spoonfuls of chocolate pudding

One after the other.

I eat it like stars

You dont need to say much about the red, you dont need to mention the red

too much

You dont even need very much red

But we all know the red runs the show

It holds everything together, it’s the answer.

Once, it disappeared, and i jus couldnt paint.

There wouldnt be much without the red.

And white’s the napkin you place the cake on,

you can fly around it, in and out of it.

It helps you breathe. Zen.

*

Weirdos all over the city are walking around with white paper bags with presents especially for me- the kind of presents you give to a beautiful fuckable four-year-old- weird men are walking the city not knowing when theyll next see me, always ready with these paper bags to finally see me and ask, ‘i hope it’s ok i got you a present?’ they hand them to me and i dont know what to do with these objects that i always accept, that are my precise taste, marbled colored pencils, flowery socks, with the fact that these men may have been walking around for a month with this little white paper bag rattling in their bag in the slight hope they Might see me, that they might be able to unburden themselves of their love for me, into me, white paper bags full of semen and lust and socks and pencils.

The Apartment

A crooked smile hangs on the living room wall, a mantlepiece above the plant, the sofa,

There’s a ticking clock but it always shows 4:20.

There’s a hand on his shoulder, she caresses him as he drinks his evening tea: two drops of milk. He says, “I love you” and she makes spaghetti: very long strings like a washing line, and they hang the stories of their complicated day on it with pegs. Some are happy stories, some are ridiculous and unbelievable, others are energetic and exciting. She laughs as he accentuates the best parts.

There’s an inexplicable drip in the bathroom. When we open the door, the floor is just a little bit wet, but the taps are dry. It’s a mystery him and i can’t quite work out.

He is over the wall, probably masterbating, but maybe watching a sad movie, or a show on netflix, what is he doing? Since when do i care about what’s happening on the other side of the wall? Will he come out of his room? Is he thinking about me and what I’m doing?

What am i doing? I look down and I’m in bed and I’m staring at facebook, as if he’s an ugly old lover, I can’t stand him, he’s so boring and has nothing interesting to say. My personal life has boiled down to bed with facebook, as if nothing exists outside of this pathetic paradigm.

In the laundry room there’s a slow and faint hum. It’s reassuring, it’s consistent, the only consistent thing in my life right now: for the next hour: this hum, hum, spinning.

Outside the window: sun, outside the sun: I see Chaya passing by, I see Gera, and a lot of other people, definitely with names, but i don’t know what they are.

In the kitchen: a pile of bottles, a museum of good and bad moments alike. When we drank this, we were arguing furiously, this one, when Ori left the apartment and slammed the door, and threw football posters on your face, This one, when we had sex the first time, in your bed, and i left awful blood stains all over your sheets. Is it not weird that we aren’t talking now, but you left the stains? I passed by the other day and saw them. It’s like you got my name tattooed on yourself- how can you not stand me but live with my blood adorning your head as you sleep? The faint and metallic smell penetrating your dreams? I cant even live with my own blood: aren’t you disgusted?

This bottle- the first time we spent time,

This one- we watched a good film and my feet were touching your leg.

Each bottle a memory, each a pile of tears floating in the ocean of our pointless drama.

I leave through the back door, I sleep in strange beds, I climb back in and look at the sad place we created: a plant pot you were given at a wedding* and the plant that’s always there, “Look, it’s already dry.” Neither of us is ready for the responsibility of plants, or living things, especially not ourselves. The fridge is empty apart from: soy sauce, serracha, half a lemon (gone off) a pot of yoghurt, or cheese, i can't remember, but it’s definitely too old to eat. Our lives revolve around moments outside of this apartment, cigarettes stuck down our throats, tongues stuck down our throats.

(*who receives gifts at others’ weddings?)